This is Olivia

Although it took a few months, and a lot of tears, I figured out that my insecurity and fear made me the problem, not the other person. Since then, I’ve worked on having confidence in other people and in my friends.

In high school I had a succession of best friends. In grade 8,9,10-11, and 12 I had a new best friend each year. This was because being best friends with someone, I put all my eggs in one basket, and I felt that if they did not do the same, they did not value our friendship as much as I did. I had this fear that as soon as they made other friends, or got a boyfriend, or had other priorities apart from me, they would dump me as a friend all together. Looking back, I realize that what I was thinking was childish and foolish but in the moment I felt justified for completely cutting them out of my life and to "test" them by seeing if they would text me first, or ask me to hang out first if I stopped trying all together. It usually followed with them not talking to me because they probably felt that I didn't want to have anything to do with them.

I then had a realization of my actions when I had this best friend from grade 10 to 11 who I was literally attached to the hip with. If snap chat streaks were a thing then, we would have hit 2 years easy. However, going into my senior year I felt that I hadn't connected with as many people as I had wanted and so I made the effort to make new friends with the people I had gone to school with for 5 years but didn't really know. I can't speak for what my best friend felt, but if it was anything like how I would have, she was probably hurt and felt that I was bored of her, or was dumping her, which I wasn't. I made a few good friends and through the experience of it all, my best friend and all of her friends dumped me. I thought everyone was out to get me and that my life was coming to an end because I felt isolated by someone who I considered to be my best friend forever.

I victimized myself for a couple months but then realized that I did the exact same thing to several people before this. I realized that I knew how she was feeling, and I didn't reach out to her like I would have wanted if I was in her shoes. Although it took me a while to understand why it happened, I figured out that the whole thing wasn't out of hate, but out of hurt. I learned that how I was treating people had no rationale because no friend "dumps" another, unless you purposefully make that happen. Although it took a few months, and a lot of tears, I figured out that my insecurity and fear made me the problem, not the other person. Since then, I've worked on having confidence in other people and in my friends.

-Olivia Renshaw

Taylor Hui